Praise God! Can I say that again? PRAISE GOD!!!
If you knew me from this past year, you would understand the analogy I'm about to make. If I manifested my heart as spiritual fruit, you might say I was a peach. Upon meeting me you might say I was warm and fuzzy in the way I did things. If you poked my thoughts to know me beyond the flesh, sweet juices would come out in kind words, thoughts, or joy that just kind of spilled out from the spot you poked. If I was bruised from the past I had a soft spot. If someone tried to spite me or bite me they would chip their teeth on the hard core that is the solidness of Christ in my life and a seed for potential growth. I felt I was able to peach everywhere I went and share the great fruit that God had blessed me with in my life.
Okay, confessional time. If you don't want to read about my difficulties I'll sum it up and you can skip to the next paragraph (summary: I developed a heart of unfeeling stone)
At the beginning of this summer when I arrived in "idnelk cnori", or perhaps it was even on the drive up I felt a heaviness set over me that I just couldn't shake. It was as if I had been robbed of joy by a cold thief in the night. The softness of the peach had dried and shriveled up, I was left feeling as a stone. When it came to applying for jobs I did it cause I had to, not because I wanted to. When I was given the opportunity to meet new people at the church I would be attending for the summer I bowed out. I was a sour punch to the gut to anyone who tried to meet me. (which really didn't seem like anyone other than the few people my sister tried to introduce me to) My once tender heart had become a stone. No one could move me, nothing brought me joy, even when I woke up on time the day dragged with a dimness, a depression. I KNEW something was wrong but I didn't have the heart or energy to face it. I had already gone some unrestful nights whimpering in the darkness when one afternoon my sister wanted to work on a paint project outside, my brother grabbed his guitar and they headed to the back yard. I sat on the couch wondering if I could "keep up face" outside. I finally sat outside by the door because I figured the outdoor air would do me some good. I sat thinking about not having a job, not being in my usual spiritually encouraging environment, and what a burden I was to my sister. (let's be clear: I'm not a burden, and this was a lie to believe) I realized that I couldn't enjoy what I had gone outside for. There was no joy in the fresh air, no joy in the warm sun, no joy in the birds singing, no joy in the pasture of long grass that I gazed across. This is when I KNEW I had to do something, because these things would usually send me dancing and humming through the yard. But what....tears began to role down my face. My sister suggested maybe even taking me back to Ponca. It was tempting but I KNEW it was only a scapegoat.
So what did I do? My dear reader I asked some of the closest people to me to pray for me. That my joy would be restored, and that God would bring me hope and peace but mostly wholehearted joy. I'm not sure when it happened, but slowly there came about a difference. Late at night I would have to identify walls I was facing and ask God to break those down. But he did, is, and will continue to do so. I'm still not quite back to the way I was before summer, but I can feel the hope and comfort growing. And from that environment joy can be had. The main thing is that there are situations in which I'm faced with a choice to either close myself off or allow myself to be happy over the small things. I've been given the strength to choose the small things. And once I was entrusted with the small things God blessed me with bigger things. But that's for another day, another post ;)
To God be the Glory,
Carli Lewis
extra tid bit: I suppose it makes sense because the reason it's called a "stone" fruit is because of the stone-like seed in the center. If you stick a stone seed in the ground it won't grow because the exterior is too hard and thick. It has to be processed by an animal (stomach acid) so the shell is soft enough to be broken through. Only then can a new tree grow. I suppose I just needed to be worn down to make way for new growth. But let's be honest, acid doesn't feel good. New growth does though.
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